Monday, March 14, 2011
I try to rationalize with her, calmly explaining that I know she wants to go out and play today but that's not going to happen because there is too much mud and dog poo for her brother to be out there. "But mom!" is the only response over and over and over. And then starts the, "Fine, if you don't let me, I won't be your daughter anymore." Did I mention this girl is only five?? And finally, "You don't love me!"
And today, that is when I went from being the calm parent to losing my mind. I allowed this precious little girl to cut straight to my heart. And in that moment of hurt mixed with annoyance mixed with an evil headache coming on, I lashed out. I couldn't even stop myself from screaming at her.
And then, the guilt. I know how much better she reacts when I stay calm and I can see the hurt in her eyes when I lose it. So knowing that we both feel hurt, why can't I stop? I apologized to her and promised to keep trying to do better. Luckily, this is something we're trying to teach her, so she accepted my apology but that doesn't make it right.
Later, it was time for bed and she wanted snuggles. This is where I go in and lay down next to her as she dictates where on her body I'm supposed to "scratch ticklish." And then, Life 102.5 played Chris Tomlin, "I Will Follow" and this little spitfire started singing every single lyric looking right into my eyes. Maybe it's not a total fail!